Billy Joel explains how life has always been harder due to fat fingers

In a rare interview with the media since his very public divorce from yet another woman whom no one could believe he was married to, Billy Joel revealed the real reason for his addiction issues.

“Fat fingers.” Joel said through a blanket of tears. “It’s always been something that’s plagued me.”

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Throughout the last decade Joel has been involved in three car accidents that we know about. Every accident has been tossed up to a drinking problem, as well as other recreational drugs that Joel has long struggled with and were thought to be the main lyrical influence behind the song ‘Don’t Go Changing’. But, today Joel admits the accidents had nothing to do with alcohol and that he’s never had one sip of “Sir Elton John’s Elixir Potion” as he called it.

“I got into the accidents because my fingers were too fat to fit around the steering wheel. When I was married, I always made my wives drive. If you’ll notice every accident happened while I was separated. The media never picked up on that, but then again there’s a lot they don’t pick up on.” The odd insult to the media aside, Joel went on, “I’ve never drank, I just said I did. I needed something to cover up my juicy sausage fingers.”

When asked about his storied drug addiction Joel offered to clear that up as well, “Yes. I did a lot of drugs.” “I didn’t want anyone staring too much, which is why I started playing piano in the first place. My dad told me if I moved my fingers fast enough they’d look skinnier and people would eventually just stare at my terrible looking face.” Joel said while wiping away puddles of tears that had collected in his goatee.

“Almost every song I’ve ever written was about my fingers, but I’d use other words for them like ‘Marilyn Monroe’ or ‘Joe DiMaggio’ instead of saying my left thumb or my right thumb.” We also learned that Davey from the Navy showcased in the Joel’s biggest hit ‘Piano Man’ was actually what Joel’s mother used to call his left index finger.

“I’m just happy I can finally be honest about everything. It’s a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, theoretically, because in reality my fingers still weigh down my shoulder’s quite a bit”.

“Litter of 9 Puppies Prove Shelter Dog is a Total Slut, Not Worthy of Christian Home”

Article by Maylin Pavletic

CHICKASAW COUNTY, MS:

A local animal shelter has been disgraced yet again by the actions of a four-legged guest. Yesterday morning at 8:04am, a female dog by the name of Ping-Pong presented a raucous display of unfathomable proportions. Within a mere matter of minutes, not one, not two, but nine sinful puppies popped out of her organ thing near the anus doctors refer to as a “vagina.”

“It’s not the action that disgusts me, it is the actions that lead to that action,” declared Jubb Bloor, noted cable access personality. “If she had puppies, that can only mean one thing: she had sex. That’s basic biology, folks. Having sex means you ain’t no virgin—how can you trust a thing like that? And of course she is gunna expect us to pick up the bill and take care of her young. Classic example of welfare abuse.”

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And Bloor is not the only one from Chickasaw County up in arms.

“This dog has no place in any Christian household,” scoffed Claudia Krebs, local mom and regional tap dance coach. “A mere 5 years old and she’s already offering up her goods to the latest passerby at that slut hut [locals’ new nickname/sick burn for the humane society]. I waited until I was 11 years old, and MARRIED, to let anyone see my musky Shroud of Turin. But apparently this little hussy operates on a different set of principles.”

It goes without saying justice officials are looking into whether or not this dog of ill repute harbors Sharia Law sympathies.

Although the shelter claims it has done nothing wrong, locals remain skeptical. It should be noted that this is the second assault on Christian values seen at this institution in 2017 alone. Their so-called “Save a Life, Adopt a Pet” event 9 months ago came to a crashing halt when a male dog humped another of the same sex--a blatant display of the homosexual agenda. It has been reported that at least one witness to the event in question hanged himself shortly afterward, preferring death to a life filled with flashbacks of such unbridled, rhythmic passion.

 

NRA Study Finds Members’ Penises to be ‘Perfectly Adequate’

Article by Owen Linders

Houston, TX- Citing the largest study of its kind commissioned by the CDC, NRA President Wayne LaPierre unveiled the findings of exhaustive research in front of a jubilant convention hall of NRA members.

“The numbers demonstrate what we’ve always known,” said LaPierre, barely able to contain a wry smile “If you’re a member of the NRA, you’re packing [perfectly adequate] heat. In more ways than one!” The crowd roared as a powerpoint presentation displayed slide after slide of member’s penises, both flaccid and erect. “My God look at that shaft”, LaPierre added, proudly saluting the phallus.

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The CDC report, which is the only report the agency can perform under Federal Law, collected data from hundreds of thousands of members across the country. “It’s easily the highest rate of self reporting that we’ve ever seen,” said one CDC employee, holding up a piece of paper with various sized holes punched through it “We asked partners of NRA members to perform a series of measurements and tests to determine overall adequacy. Admittedly, we were concerned about self reporting however, we consider it statistically impossible that that many men had nobody in their lives willing to touch their penis”.

With the collection of data, the NRA now has the largest registry of penises in the country. “All our NRA members were willing to register their penises. When you’re in proud possession of a ‘dangerous weapon’ you don’t mind if the world knows”, chuckled LaPierre, eschewing privacy concerns and licking his lips as he clicked through photo after photo of members’ penises.

“We wanted to do a ‘control’ group but the commissioners of the study fired a gun in the air until we dropped the idea,” said the CDC official “We’ll just have to settle with having a list of every single gun owner in the country”.

Marc Maron named Soul Patch Monthly’s “Man Of The Year”

Dicky Stock

It was announced this week that popular comedian and podcaster Marc Maron would be the featured “Man Of The Year” in Soul Patch Monthly’s annual issue.

Marc Maron is probably best known for “WTF with Marc Maron”, a weekly podcast where he interviews celebrities and politicians (including the then current president Barack Obama) and secondly for his years of stand up comedy. Fans of soul patches, however, know him as the “grand mack daddy of the patch”, a role which Maron himself has played down.

“Sure I have a nice jazz dot, but I don’t think that defines me as a person” says Marc Maron going in for a sip of water. As he pulls the bottle back some dribbles from the corner of his mouth and lands on his soul patch. “Whoops.I got a little bit of water on my soul patch” remarks the 63 year old comedian.

However, this year’s choice isn’t without its critics. Popular germaphobe Howie Mandel took to twitter to voice his outrage.

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Marc Maron isn’t letting the critics get to him.

“This soul patch is like a shield I wear into battle. There are many like it but this one is mine.”