Article by Owen Linders
Houston, TX- Citing the largest study of its kind commissioned by the CDC, NRA President Wayne LaPierre unveiled the findings of exhaustive research in front of a jubilant convention hall of NRA members.
“The numbers demonstrate what we’ve always known,” said LaPierre, barely able to contain a wry smile “If you’re a member of the NRA, you’re packing [perfectly adequate] heat. In more ways than one!” The crowd roared as a powerpoint presentation displayed slide after slide of member’s penises, both flaccid and erect. “My God look at that shaft”, LaPierre added, proudly saluting the phallus.
The CDC report, which is the only report the agency can perform under Federal Law, collected data from hundreds of thousands of members across the country. “It’s easily the highest rate of self reporting that we’ve ever seen,” said one CDC employee, holding up a piece of paper with various sized holes punched through it “We asked partners of NRA members to perform a series of measurements and tests to determine overall adequacy. Admittedly, we were concerned about self reporting however, we consider it statistically impossible that that many men had nobody in their lives willing to touch their penis”.
With the collection of data, the NRA now has the largest registry of penises in the country. “All our NRA members were willing to register their penises. When you’re in proud possession of a ‘dangerous weapon’ you don’t mind if the world knows”, chuckled LaPierre, eschewing privacy concerns and licking his lips as he clicked through photo after photo of members’ penises.
“We wanted to do a ‘control’ group but the commissioners of the study fired a gun in the air until we dropped the idea,” said the CDC official “We’ll just have to settle with having a list of every single gun owner in the country”.